Shagaia's Retreat

04/04/2008 Gaiatri writes:

This month we celebrate Cinqo de Mayo, our special day, the day we chose to affirm our commitment to each other and our commitment to God.

We have experienced more in our 18 years together than many people experience in a lifetime and we have only just begun!

I ask myself how is it I am still with you when my other relationships never even made it to half that time. I mean hell; I was only with my parents for 16 years.

Four marriages and the next longest lasted 12 years, but was really over after five. So my question for myself was what makes this one different?Why are we still enjoying each other and looking forward to more?

The answer is that I took the time to get to know me. When I realized that the problem was not with my partners, they were simply a reflection of my immature inner self, an inner masculine adolescent that was so afraid of being trapped that all it could do was run and that meant no commitments! That folks is not a firm foundation for a lasting relationship.

When separating from my beloved Emmett (husband #4} I became aware that the problem was not with my partners; it was all about me. In my studies I had heard that awareness is the first step toward creating the change that you want so I knew that I was on to something.

I cried a lot, I prayed a lot, I raged a lot, I hid a lot and finally I decided to explore a bit and find out who I was and why I was. And for the first time I made a conscious commitment to my self to find out who I was and what I wanted for my self. I began a new love affair; the most important one ever for it was with myself!

One of my greatest inspirations and support during this time of self exploration was Louise Hay’s book, “Learn to Love Yourself” and, as is my usual, I jumped in with both feet and gave it my all. What I found was that I am pretty special and I can do and be and have whatever I choose. I have a loving Creator that wants for me whatever I want and will support me in whatever I choose; so why not choose Peace, Power, Plenty – Love, Health and Harmony.

As I became clear on who I was and what I wanted from life everything in my life improved. Even though my son was murdered, my granddaughter was kidnapped, though thankfully quickly recovered, then my daughter and 8 month old granddaughter moved into my wonderful space, created especially for me, My quiet life was disrupted, change was happening, soon another daughter and her two children moved in. My life was rapidly changing and yet I found that I could remain centered in who I was and I made sure that my needs were honored and supported first and then I could be there in love for those around me.

Then came another change – one that I was not sure that I was ready for! I thought that I needed a business partner. However, in the midst of my morning meditation when I heard myself say, “Okay God, I’m ready. Send me someone just like me.” and felt the jolt in my solar plexus that shot up through my head and out the top like a rocket, I said “OH Shit, what have I done now?”

Well the rest is history. Two weeks later we met and shortly thereafter I informed you that I was not sure whether we would ever be lovers but I did know for sure that we had work to do together and it was therefore imperative that we be friends.

And here we are eighteen years later still friends. I love you my friend!