Shagaia's Retreat

In early 2010 my niece Nancy Deckant said this little prayer, “Dear Lord, please give me the gift of songwriting” and, since that day, the songs began coming together in a new way she says. Simple…but powerful! Ask…and when it is the right thing for your life…Receive. I reckon that would make a mighty fine prayer for near ’bout anyone. Kinda gives ya goose bumps when you think about applying it to your own life, doesn’t it? Might want to include a “Thank you” if you do.

“Your daughter has a few weeks or maybe a few months to live.” These are the words that seem to swallow your heart and even when you know they are coming they tear you apart.

Well I did what most mothers do. I packed up the motor home and I headed for Texas, never mind our new fledgling business, never mind the lack of funds, my daughter needs me, so away we go.  I must add here that my beloved husband just says “yes dear” and supports me no matter how irrational I sometimes become

Here I am beloved child, I am here to stay for as long as you need me. I don’t need you Mother, I don’t want you here! Go Away!

Uh huh.

What do I do? What do I say? Where do I go? How do I handle it?

These are the questions I wake up with and go to sleep with every day, every night. Yes I know what I “SHOULD” do, say, be and do, but my body, mind, and soul want always to follow through with the SHOULDS. That then leaves me with the coulds and those are very confusing. You see one of the big challenges is that she doesn’t want me with her! This creates a situation that is very difficult for me to live with. My daughter is dying and she has told me to get out, go away, I don’t want you here. WOW.!

Here I am 1000 miles from home with my R.V. parked in her driveway ready to nurse her through the hard part. Not happy with the situation but extremely grateful that I could be there with her. The “what to do’s, ways to be and what to say” were very clear at that moment. This all changed when she said get out! Go away, I don’t want you here.

Then the questions begin, do I ignore her and stay in the driveway until she is too weak to protest? Do I go to another daughters house and wait until I am called. Do I go home and proceed with my business as though nothing is happening?

So I start with the professionals, the doctors and nurses. Well that is easier said than done. Have you tried recently to get a straight answer from a health professional? First step ask them what the prognosis is, maybe days, maybe months, maybe, maybe, maybe. By the way expect to go through a lot of computer talk when you try to reach the doctor by phone, you know the,” punch one if you are a doctor, two if you have an emergency, three if you need an appointment, four if and on and on and then you scream my daughter is dying and I want to speak to someone that will tell me what to expect, what to prepare for, what to tell her son, my 13-year-old grandson whose father died one year and four months ago, and whose sister died 7 years and one month ago. Someone please tell me what to say, what to do!

Another question is what do I tell my heart? I start with, I know that all is well, that God is in charge and I will know all the right answers in time. So I will sit here until I get further instructions. That doesn’t take long, a friend of the family comes out and says she is ranting and raving about getting me out of her driveway! So, okay I am leaving, and as I am leaving I am informed that her drunken companion says, “good the “BEAST” is leaving”.  In my experience of life I have thought of myself in many ways, some flattering and some not so much. I had, however never thought of myself as the “beast”. I guess that is an example of live and learn.

I am now receiving all of my information from friends or family that go by to see her or speak to her on the phone. My call today from daughter # 3 who lives in another city, informed me that her sister told her that her helpful companion “tucked her in” and then went out to have a few drinks. She awakened and in a drugged stupor got up to go take care of the recycling and fell. She did not have the strength to get up so she crawled as far as the kitchen where she spent several hours on the floor. These are not things that a mother wants to hear.

What to Do? What to say? Who to talk to? Yes I have friends and family but they really have heard enough and they don’t know what to say or what to do either.

What do you say to a Mother whose daughter is dying and won’t speak to her and doesn’t want her around? Doesn’t it make you wonder what kind of mother she must be if her own daughter doesn’t want her to be there when she is dying?

A part of me wants to talk about it constantly, because it is the most prominent thing in my thoughts right now. There is another part of me that wants to stay in the bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend that nothing is happening. Another part says just get on with your life, be strong, don’t burden others with your “stuff.”

Another question. What do I expect from myself? I mean, after all, I’m a spiritual teacher, a minister, a mother, and a 70-year-old grandmother, I am supposed to have it all together, and maybe I do;I just don’t seem to remember where it is that I stored that “all together” me.

When my son was murdered, it was easier in the sense that I didn’t have time to think about it. There was just that simple sentence your son is dead, and you begin to deal with it. There was no rejection or wondering when, how much suffering, who to call to find out what is happening, it was done and you deal with it.

When my granddaughter was dying I was in an area that could not be reached and by the time I got the news it was done. So you travel across the country as quickly as possible and you do what needs to be done.

When my parents were dying it was plain to see what was happening and I was able to help them through the process   I was there to share the experience with them and my family.

I am definitely not a stranger to death; I actually experienced my own death in 1959 and became aware that it is not a bad thing – it is in truth simply a transition, a move from being a spirit in a body to a spirit without a body, actually a rather pleasant experience once you get the hang of it.

As a nurse I have seen many people make the transition in many ways some easy some hard and after studying Death and Dying with Ram Dass and Elizabeth Kubler Ross I became totally convinced that helping families relate to their loved ones during the dying process was something that I wanted to be a part of. It has been a very fulfilling process of learning and sharing but it has not prepared me for the present situation.

What do I do? I guess I just suck it up and prepare to learn something new about me, myself and I. and remember that all the things we think we would do are hardly ever the things that we are led to do.

I am looking for a new level of trust; one that tells me I have all that I need to do whatever I choose to do. I accept that God is Good and all things are in Divine Order no matter what the appearance of things. God is working in me, through me, as me and She will support me all the way.

“I am woman, I am strong, I am invincible.” – from Helen Reddy’s I Am Woman

I shall overcome all this and even more!

So help me out; tell me I will !

Namaste’

Gail Deckant

To say we were pleased as punch with our workshop and its results would  be the proverbial understatement. We had 10 dedicated participants (a perfect number to work with as it turned out) that fully participated. Follow up comments were most appreciated. Check’em out below.

Comments on The Power of Peace Workshop at Unity of Gainesville FL on 3/28/09

“My spiritual growth was accelerated by participating in this experience, and the effects continue beyond that afternoon …”

“My heart continues to open.  I communicate more often and fully with Spirit.”

“. . . I was glad I was wearing clean socks, because they were knocked completely off!”

“The workshop was FUN, . . .”

“The labyrinth process stands in my mind, probably because there were things that I was ready to let go of….and then what a surprise when we came back and found the rewards that awaited us!”

“I felt, heard, smelled, and palpated the love that both of you had poured into the preparation of putting together an experience that we would not forget!”

“At one point near the beginning of the workshop, we were asked to imagine what our love offering would be at the end…to actually visualize a number.  The fact that I DOUBLED that number when I wrote my check will give you some idea of the impact the experience had on me.”